Toutes Directions

When I'm at work, I can't stop thinking about all the things I need to do (call here, there, make an appointment, read this and that, go over there...) but of course can't because I'm at work and have work to do.

It's not that I'm chained to my desk or anything though. I'm working right in downtown Toulouse so I can run quick errands during my lunch break. While I do have things to get done, I can quickly log in to read an email. And a discrete personal phone call once a day would be more than tolerated.

As soon as I get home that laundry list just evaporates from my head. Seriously, I can't remember a thing that was so urgent this morning at 11. I open the door and take off my shoes, open the living room blinds, change into comfy clothes, see how my plants are growing (very important), log into Google Reader, browse through nytimes.com, and evaluate whether I'm motivated or not to cook an interesting meal (otherwise it's frozen, canned, or pasta).

I know I should be doing things, but my evenings kind of pass in a fog and before you know it it's 11pm and midnight by the time I've put on pj's and brushed my teeth.

I think of things to blog about while I'm a work, but those ideas suffer from the daily evening evaporation as well. There was an article in Madame Figaro I wanted to write about, but it's not available free on their website, so I'll have to borrow the magazine on Monday.

There are a few things I need to focus in on, such as dates of upcoming events, but I just stay in this general fog when it's "free time". There are people going ice-skating tomorrow night, and while I'd like to go, I don't really want to focus in on how to get there and other details and it just becomes no by default. I think a number of things have passed me by recently just by default because I didn't take any action and not because I consciously decided 'no'.

Today's post on AskMoxie is about housecleaning and getting over whatever is stopping you from even starting, and I have to admit that I try to convince myself that I'm "relaxing" by not paying attention. I'm worried that if I focus in on everything like I should, I'll just be a frenzied ball of energy without a moment of down time. I've slid into a default don't-do-anything position pretending that a general state of apathy equals being zen.
Admitting is first, next some baby steps of being more present in what's going on around me.