Toutes Directions

The other day at lunch I explained my whole story about why I'm in France to some of my fellow Masters students, and I when I got to the part that I'm getting married in a week and half, most of them were surprised. I'd mentioned in beforehand to a different student, and her remark (which sums up the 'usual' reaction) was "Oh, that's different. Most people wait to finish school before they get married."

My reaction to my fellow students' reactions is threefold.

First, it's been two years since I was in school, and when I graduated I had no idea if it would be 1, 5, or 10 years before I would go back. If I had found a decent full time, long-term job, there's a good chance I wouldn't be doing this Master. But I didn't, so this is supposed to be my express-lane to employment in France. I don't have an "education" period of my life, followed by "get married and work", followed by "stay at home with kids". Life is way too ambiguous to think about it like that or try to plan for it to be like that.

Second, getting married will only change a few things for us: the ability to live together in the US and for B to work there, the cost of divorce if we ever split up, and the box we check on all the forms we fill out. It will of course change other people's understanding of our relationship and probably the way they treat us.

And third, I was reminded that not everyone is or has been in a serious relationship, and that for someone still in the throes of let's-go-party-and-try-to-hook-up-with-someone, the idea of someone being so sure they want to stay with another person for possibly the rest of their life is hard to fathom. Heck, I remember when the commitment of marriage seemed scary to me (the process of organizing a wedding still is, ha! But actually getting married seems like deciding to eat ice cream: easy and a no-brainer.)

I suddenly felt like a fish out of water at the lunch table. There I was talking about how I already have a Pacs, and getting married won't be any different, and my mil bought tons of decorations we didn't want, but the other students didn't really get it. I stopped talking about it all because I didn't want to appear like the newlywed (or about to be newlywed) who brags about being married. I'm not getting married because I think it's intrinsically better than being single or in a civil union and I wouldn't want to give off that impression. The first person who says "Welcome to the club!" once I'm married has a good chance of getting punched because I think that's about the dumbest thing you can think.

But I realized that I am part of a club, in a certain way. The club of "In a serious relationship and living indepently and responsibly." I'm only a year to two older than the students who've gone straight from Licence to Master 1 to Master 2, but on the maturity level, I might as well be 10 years older. I know exactly what kind of a job I want after I've finished the program (unlike some students who are doing it because they don't know what else to do), I've already moved continents, worked, been unemployed, moved in with my boyfriend and set up our lives together, gotten a civil union, and declared my taxes twice in France.

Looking at it that way, I understand better why people are surprised we're getting married or treat it as a big deal. If they haven't been following along, they haven't seen that we got serious about each other and our future a long time ago. What was a slow and organic process for us, and will continue to develop, was invisible to (or ignored by) them. They saw pictures of us as kids or teenagers on the cover of the book, but started reading half-way through. No wonder they think the wedding is such a big deal.