Toutes Directions

Here's a nice picture from the wedding reception I went to this past weekend. The couple got married in Maui in July and then scheduled the reception for late September.

Speaking of which, I can't believe it's already October. It's a crime.

So, the bride and groom have been together for 7 years (minus a few months when they broke up about a year ago), and finally decided to get married. Tracey had three kids when she was really young (18-20 ish), the oldest of which is 23 and has a baby. That's my age. Yikes. But can you believe that the bride is a grandmother? She's 42 I think but I never would have guessed that. People were yelling out "You guys both have beautiful hair!" Rocco, the groom, used to sing in my brother's band, which was why we were invited.

The reception was very contemporary, with the bouquet toss and garter toss and cake cutting and everything else. I can't really say traditional, since a lot of those things are pretty recent (did your parents or grandparents do a garter toss? I think not). I think it's great they got married, but I don't understand all the talk and symbolism of them beginning their story, or starting a life together. They've been together for 7 years, lived together for the past 2 I think. I don't know if they had a registry, but (this is controversial) I hope they didn't. Who pretends that they still need water pitchers or making place mats and napkins? My mom's making them a quilt, the one I was helping her out with a few weeks ago.

I had to spend the entire reception explaining my own situation, especially when I didn't present myself for the bouquet toss. "Well, B and I are engaged and we've signed a civil union, but we aren't married yet and we're aren't sure yet it we'll have to for immigration purposes or if I'll be able to work in France with just the Pacs...." All afternoon I told that to people.... "And where is he? And why are you still here? I thought you were in France!" "Well, I just found out it will be one month minimum to have my visa, so now I'm looking for work...."

I'm happy to say I have some better leads for work as well. I just applied online to work a late shift at the UCSD library. Several of the universities around here are hiring administrative assistants and library staff, so I'm feeling more hopeful. I might put in as a substitute at some private schools, but I have hope that teaching won't be my only option. I won't feel bad about quiting after 2 or 3 months at the university either, something I wouldn't be able to do if I was teaching.

This is starting to get long, but I have lots of time to ruminate about things. I want to state on the record, that I now think that some of the things B's mom does are actually good ideas. While she can be a bit mechanical and I wonder where she gets her energy, I think Colette runs a better household than my mom. (In her defense, she works long hours and has often done contract work in the evenings or participates in organizations and classes) Shoes always go in the nook under the stairs in the entry at Colette's house; the table is wiped and cleared after every meal and the place mats and napkins stored; pots and pans are never left out or waiting in the sink; and the plants are watered every evening. B's parents are both retired now and his mom has been retired for a few years, so I know she has more time and mental energy to keeping things organized, but I think she has a better system. Everything is so loosey-goosey here. There's no system, no discipline, no order. Things get picked up and cleaned up eventually, but I think I prefer the discipline I learned in B's house. I used to complain about always having to take my shoes off in the entrance, but when my dad leaves his shoes all around, I start to see the wisdom.

The other new development in my life here is that my mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's in stage 0 I think, and the doctor said it's the earliest possible moment they could have caught it. They couldn't even feel the lumps, they were seen on the mammograms. Thursday she has a second biopsy to test a second lump, and after that we'll know the whole situation, but the first lump turned out to be cancerous. Apparently she still faces the risk of a mastectomy if both lumps are cancerous, but my mom's a bit confused by how soon the doctors found it and how drastic the treatment seems. My mom and I have the same reaction I think. She's scheduling all the appointments she needs and we're trying to learn about the process, but in the meantime, some meat needs to be frozen and tomorrow we have to remember to eat the asparagus. My dad doesn't seem to know how to respond, and he doesn't want to hear my mom talk about it so much, especially in the matter of fact way she does. So he turned up the baseball game really loud.

My mom fully participated in the hippy movement, but just the other day she said she wishes she could have dinner cooking every day when my dad comes through the door. Maybe in times of stress she's fallen back on culturally ingrained norms. Well, I don't mean for this to become about her. I think one of these days I'm going to have to tell my dad that my mom needs more of his help, that his drinking is getting in the way, and that he's letting too much of his life pass him by.

So, how do you start that conversation?