Starting in late November, my in-laws started bugging us about what we wanted for Christmas. My husband's family really prefers filling requests instead of surprising the grandkids, which works out alright since we've been able to get a mixer, an oven, and a coffee machine like that. It's always bugged me that my parents are at a loss for presents for me, but for the in-laws I understand.
The only problem for me is that depending on what I ask for, I can feel uncomfortable explaining what I/we want because it's usually pretty different from what my in-laws have/use.
For example, I vetoed asking for some new pots this year because I know my mil loves those handle-less pots that come with a grip-on handle you can use with all of them and then the pots are stack-able.
The system my mil has is actually less secure than the pictured set; you have to actively squeeze the handle so it doesn't fall off, and I'd be too worried about dropping my pan while pouring a liquid or soup or something if the handle wasn't attached. Basically, they don't meet my needs.Describing it, it doesn't sound like there's much of a problem. But faced with my mil who's really enthusiastic about them (or something else) and wants to buy us the same, I'm really uncomfortable saying "Thanks, but we'd like you to buy us something else." It might also be her tendency to describe things like "Oh, that's really ugly. Do you like it?" Loaded question anyone?
We were a bit short of ideas of simple presents the family could buy us this year, so we ended up asking for a Sephora gift certificate for me, and a set of nice high thread count (400/in) or percale sheets for B.
But as soon as we sent the email we had questions: what color or pattern sheets do we want? do we need a housse? What about a traversin pillow cover?
And then I started feeling uncomfortable: should I say that we don't use traversins? will that make her want to buy us one even though I hate them? should I insist on getting a flat sheet even though I've never had one when sleeping at the in-laws, so ostensibly they don't use them? should I point out we want solid colored ones even though they always have patterned ones and probably would pick out a pattern for us?
I procrastinated on responding to B's aunt because I didn't want to explain in detail how our expectations differed from hers. At first I thought it was just general procrastination, but then I realized it really was because I didn't want to point out my different-ness that I've slowly converted my husband to.
Why such a phobia? I guess I've had too many "Huh?" experiences. When I was upset that we opened presents on the 23rd, no one really got it. When I didn't want Muscat or pastis as an aperitif, I was met with confusion (because apparently those are they only two options). When I asked for the car soap to wash our car, I was told to just grab the dish soap. And I won't go into everything involved with the wedding.
I know what B would tell me. First 'You've just gotta defend your opinions with my mom. Don't listen to what she says." And second "Don't worry about seeming weird to my family. They already think you're kind of strange, so just do what you want and explain what you want and don't complexer."
Easier said than done, that's for sure. I guess I'm caught up on doing things par politesse and etiquette rules I learned as a kid: never criticize a gift and always say it was just what you wanted. But I know that one of the biggest tenants of etiquette (do as you would like others to do) doesn't work in a different culture, so maybe I should criticize a gift or two? I also want to like my presents, and not just set them in the corner to collect dust, so I hate to pretend to like something.
Next year I think we're going gift certificates all the way. Much much simpler.
2 comments:
Gift certificates do sound easier! I'll have to remember that next year.
Do your inlaws do the thing where they say they don't want anything, no really, we don't want anything, but of course you get them something anyway and they seem happy but then don't use it?
I guess I've never personally given something, it was either a gift from my husband and myself, or it was my parents who sent something. And for my parents' gifts, they use it once, and then put it on display, even if it's something practical like a cutting board or kitchen towels. My mom wanted to send some crafty things she'd found at a fair, but I told her not to since they'd never be used by my in-laws. I don't why it is, and B just kind of shrugs his shoulders and doesn't worry about it.
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