What's in a name

B accused my blog of being dead, so I'm here to prove him wrong.

I've been meaning to write about names and identity, which I think are different in France than in the States.

I don't remember when I learned this, but in France, the name you're born with remains the only name officially "recognized". This means that women continue to declare their taxes, vote, register their car, and many other things with their maiden name even after they've married and started using their husband's name. On forms and documents, there are usually two lines for your last name: your "real" last name, and your "aka" last name (nom d'époux, s'il y en a). On an id card a woman's name may be written Pauline Dubois "Martin" to show that her "real" last name is Dubois, but that she goes by Martin publicly now that she's married. This isn't required though, and you can get your Gaumont movie pass with just your married name if you want. If you look on mailboxes and doorbells, often times there's a second name in smaller print, for when the wife's voter registration or tax return comes.

I know that this idea of always keeping your birth name means it is much harder in France to change your name. I saw a report on it once, and they explained that you had to have a valid reason: serial killer with same name, a name which would put you at a disadvantage or cause you to be descriminated against (Merrde, Kahka). It's not like in the States where Prince can become a symbol or people can change their legal name once they're 18. My ex changed his last name at 18 from his biological father's last name to his step-father's name. My mil's mother remarried before my mil turned 18 and her step-father adopted her, so she actually has a hyphenated maiden name. I knew someone at college who changed her last name to her step-father's between freshman and sophmore years (a bit strange to learn her name as a result), but again, I think it's the difference between France not letting you lose the name you were born with, versus the States which lets you do almost anything you want (Prince, once more).

The reason I've been thinking about this is that I've continued to use my maiden name after, *gasp*, getting married. But this has turned out to be more complicated than I thought.

Around the time of the wedding, B's mother and grandmother talked about there being another Madame N.... and I was really caught off guard the first time they mentioned it, beaming with pride. I think I said something noncomittal about planning on continuing to use my maiden name.

But at New Year's B's dad made several comments about how nifty/swell it was that in France I had two last names. Two, count 'em! I think I tried to change the subject. For the holidays B's parents gave us a card with a check inside, and the card was addressed to M et Mme N.... As B said "Don't worry about it, I don't know if they'll ever really understand."

My initial response is to say "But I'm not changing my name" (which I said to my aunts and uncles at Thanksgiving when they wanted to know what my new last name was; my one aunt who didn't change her name for her second marriage congratulated me), but the problem is that in France women don't really change their name. They just start using their husband's name socially and fill it in on the "nom d'époux" line after they put their maiden name on the "nom de famille" line.

What I explained to my parents was that legally changing my name for American paperwork (like most American women do) would just complicate my life since I live abroad. If I legally changed my name with the Social Security Office, for my passport, my driver's licence, my bank account, my student loans, etc etc, 1) it would be a huge headache to do it from abroad and 2) I can only imagine the confusion of arriving to renew my carte de séjour with a birth certificate with one name and my passport with another.

I've been shocked though by how many people assume that I've changed my name. One of my best friends from the States sent us a letter addressed to Him and Her Hislastname. True, I didn't talk a lot about my decision to keep my name, but that surprised me. I guess I have a skewed view of things having grown up with a very close aunt who kept her maiden name and meeting other families where the mother didn't change her name. I figured it was something thought about, and it just so happened that many women decided to change their name after some reflection. I never thought of it as something automatic, which is apparently what most people expect.

Some of my resolve to keep using my American name is eroding though. My last name is Scottish and really difficult for the French to understand. B's last name is really simple and I think I've used it a couple times (even before we were married) at the dry cleaners or taylors just to simplify my life. When you have to spell your name 3 times and give up on them getting it right (and it's not even that difficult; my friend's maiden name was Kwiatkowski), an easy French name is really appealing. I don't have any problems with the idea of a family having the same name, and I don't even have any qualls with B's last name. Especially when it's easier to use.

But my Scottish last name is part of my identity. In France it's proof that I'm not French (and sometimes an excuse, especially when I make grammatical errors). It's a link to my family, and the only name I've known. It's me!

I'm interested in any and all opinions on this, as well as info about other countries. I have a cousin living in Chile for a year with her husband (who is Chilean) and kids, and apparently in Chile the children use their mother's maiden name. For the girls, both in middle school, this has been confusing because the school refuses to acknowledge their "American" last name and they've had to learn to call themselves by my cousin's maiden name.