"Do you go back to the US often?/Are you going to the US for XYZ holiday?"
This being Christmas time, I have once again gotten a lot of questions about whether or not I would be returning to the US (usually from colleagues or acquaintances). People who are just getting to know me usually ask if I go back to the US often.
I can kind of understand colleagues or acquaintances inquiring about me going to the States for Christmas since my family is there and the French usually celebrate Christmas with the extended family. But since coming to France in 2006 I have not spent a single Christmas in the US. I have however spent 2 Thanksgivings there (one while waiting for a visa, one accompanied by my husband so he could experience it).
Our (non financial) reasons for not spending Christmas in California/the US are two-fold: first, my husband and I have rarely been able to both take sufficient time off work around Christmas for such a trip, and second, since my brother died my parents stopped celebrating the holidays like before and do weird stuff like have Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner with the neighbor down the street (this year Thanksgiving was a picnic on the beach). I understand that my parents don't want to get out all the decorations and have a big event like we used to do since the absence of my brother is felt all the more at times like that, but I don't want to fly across the ocean (spending major €€€ in the process!!) for a holiday they don't want to mark anymore. I'm not necessarily a 100% fan of how my in-laws celebrate, but it's still with extended family and I make my own cookies and mulled cider at home for my personal enjoyment.
The other question I get ALL the time is some variation of "Do you go back to the US often?"
The short answer is no. It's expensive and in terms of ticket prices and jet lag it's not really worth going for less than 2 weeks, which means coordinating time off with my husband and having savings for our activities while we're over there. Plus, after 9 years in France and far from my family, I'd like to see other places and actually relax during my vacations and not just go to San Diego and do the run around visiting everyone during the few days we're in town. Plus my parents get on my nerves after about
Depending on who I am talking to, I explain this, but if I sense that the person has little understanding of what life is like as an immigrant I just say it's expensive and so we can't afford to go very often.
I get this question so often, I've been thinking about why people ask it and what they expect to learn from it. It's a yes-no question, so someone could theoretically just answer "No" or "Yes" and not say anymore, so it's not a truly curious question like asking what I miss from the US. I think it reflects the uneasiness of the person with being far from their own family because they are hoping you will answer "Yes" and reassure them that you do get to see your family often. Saying "No, I don't see my family often because I can't/don't want to" isn't exactly a positive, affirming information to learn about someone. I think it is also a sign of the cultural differences between the US and France; the French see their family often, whereas American families might only get together once a year for Thanksgiving. My dad and his brother generally only see each other once a year, and they both live in California. My mom has not seen her niece and nephew in Florida for several years (like maybe 15 years for her nephew).
Like Eileen noted, people are usually dissatisfied with my answer, or I feel like I expend way more energy explaining the reasons why my answer is 'no' than the person deserves, and I should just stick with a short answer. The person who asked the question probably doesn't really care whether or not I go back to the US often. I'm going to try a new tactic when people ask me this question and say that I go the US/see my family often enough, and leave it at that.
4 comments:
I'm always asked that question too, I just say it's hard to get the 3 consecutive weeks of time off and that my family loves coming here (which they do). End up kind of doing alternating years which works out well.
Totally with you on this. I think the annoying thing about this question is the feeling that they don't want the real answer, just an answer that's easy to hear.
But I think part of it is genuine, since everyone asks everyone at work around Christmas-time what their plans are.
Like you and others, I get this all the time, and it annoys me so much.
It's so expensive. And now, that it's the two of us, it takes more time and planning (and money!). Not to mention having to find someone to watch the dog now.
-Shannon
Yes, I haven't been back to New Zealand since I came to Europe 5+ years ago, and I always feel super awkward when people ask because the undercurrent does seem to be that I must therefore be a cold, horrible person. But it does take a hell of a lot of money, and more importantly, time, and to be honest, I do prioritise travelling and my lifestyle here than going all that way and spending all my possible money and leave for the entire year on one trip. That said, my parents have visited every year so it's not as if I never see family, which helps.
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