A jolt from the past

I'm going to a friend's wedding in New Mexico in a couple weeks, and I'm trying to put together a little slideshow of pictures since we met in middle school, and besides going through the archives of my computer this means asking my mom to scan pictures from the albums back home.

I don't often go through old pictures, but there were several "Omigod, I totally forgot about that!" moments. Some bittersweet moments as well. Fun pictures from college and studying abroad. A study in the various haircuts and highlights I have had done (reminder to self: don't do the blond highlights again. Also the Jennifer Aniston haircut wasn't great). Reminder that until I did a serious treatment with Accutane in 2010 I always had a lot of acne (and was a bit emotionally scarred by all the years of treating it with medicine and concealer).

I also saw some of the pictures from the summer I lived in Alaska with my ex. It was a strange, lonely summer. There were also pictures of a friend with her boyfriend she later declared the love of her life but who left her do to her increasingly difficult personality.

I was reminded that I actually took some beautiful pictures of Prince Edward Island when I went there for a week in 2006 before graduation.

And then tonight by mom emailed me a picture with the subject line "Is this Allen?". I opened the email expecting a picture of my friend, but instead it's me with my 8th grade boyfriend at Disneyland (probably 1998).

I look so young and baby-ish, and at 14 it's partly true. The picture is slightly blurry and was probably taken with a disposable camera that had no focus. I look happy, but I know I was partly acting. I'm wearing a spaghetti strap top I had to cover with a sweater at school because of the dress code (top for which my mom recommended I not wear a bra "because that's what I did in the '70s". Really great argument for a teenager in the late '90s....). I have jean shorts and white low-top sneakers, Sketchers I think, and a sweater. I'm wearing a backback about as low slung as possible, and about 10 keychains and who-know's-what are visible on the side. I remember I used to make a lot of noise walking with that backback. I didn't have much money for them, but I had one or two ironic keychains from Claire's; they said things like "Go on, I love listening to you talk" or "100% Brat".

The boyfriend didn't last very long (I fell in love with a guy in the school musical about a month later), but we were friends in high school.

I don't think about my old boyfriends very often, or even college parties or my travels necessarily, but seeing the picture of myself in 8th grade has brought back a flood of memories of how lost and lonely I felt. The clothes I was wearing were my first forays into average teenage clothing, since through 7th grade a lot of my clothes were either sewn by my mom or from the uniform rack (my mom thought they were a good deal and was convinced none of my friends would notice my navy skirt and white polo top were from the uniform section).

I was convinced that everyone else knew what they were doing, how to dress, how to behave, and I was horribly lost. I was so nervous about having a boyfriend because I didn't know what I was supposed to do or say around him; I seriously thought there was some kind of standard way of acting around a boyfriend.

At Disneyland he tried to kiss me during one of the rides and I turned my head. I didn't know if I really liked him, and once I met the boy in the school musical it was over with my boyfriend.

It's a shame I had to spend so much time lost, confused, and lonely. But the only way out is through.