Toutes Directions

"[T]he wish to be understood may be our most vengeful demand, may be the way we hang on, as adults, to our grudge against our mothers; the way we never let our mothers off the hook for their not meeting our every need. Wanting to be understood, as adults, can be, among many other things, our most violent form of nostalgia." 

From "Missing Out; In Praise of the Unlived Life" by Adam Philips

It's Mother's day in the US in less than a week, and I don't have anything figured out.

In past years, I've mailed off gifts so they arrive more or less on time, or ordered quilting kits. But I don't have anything ready this year. And the quilting kit stocks are low.

My mom is hard to shop for because a lot of the 'normal' things you might think of (spa treatment, massage, jewelry, potted plant, etc) are viewed as uncomfortable, inconvenient, or superfluous. She is the only person I know who managed to have a bad time during a spa day with several treatments 100% paid for by her employer.

The few times I've gone 'outside the box' and tried to offer something original or introduce her to something different I've invariably found the object tucked away in the garage, broken and forgotten, the next time I visit. I hold it against her that it's so hard to find something she'll appreciate.

So why go through the headache of coming up with an original idea that won't collect dust in the garage? Why not skip the thing entirely, or send something I'm certain she won't appreciate instead of wasting time finding something she probably won't? Blame it on a sense of obligation born of social expectation and my guilt of being distant, both physically and emotionally.

But in addition to her being difficult to shop for, I realize how much of a grudge I hold against my mom for never really getting me. Why send a thoughtful gift to someone who's idea of my style/interests/priorities is so often 180° off?

I've lost count of the number of things my mom has given me saying "I saw this and knew it was just your style," only to hand over some article that never would have caught my eye. Phone conversations often involve me biting my tongue over a decision to buy something (carpet for the den, iPad, garden fountains...) instead of going to visit friends or family.

For a while I thought it was that my parents weren't making any effort. In middle school and high school my parents had us make Christmas lists to guide their purchases, but I yearned for them to pick gifts based on an understanding of who I was as a person. The middle ground was lists mentioning "Music like Natalie Imbruglia; movie like Wings of the Dove; clothes from Gap or similar store in blues or purples". I felt like I was stating what would be only too obvious to people who spent time with me, and that if they really needed a cheat-sheet like that then they really weren't paying attention.

But what about me? If I'm so stumped when trying to think of a gift for my mom, does that mean I haven't been paying attention? If I make an effort, are the dots in front of me, waiting to be connected?

I think the answer is yes. Instead of searching for what I think would be nice, and what I think would make for a nice present, I just need to look at those misguided presents my mom has given me over the years to see what she likes.

There may be just enough time, especially since Chico's does email gift cards. And if I'm the one sending her to Chico's, maybe she'll stop buying matching beaded tank tops for both of us (ssshh, it went straight to Emmaüs).