An authentic voice

For some time now I've been bothered by a growing sense that I am only rarely my authentic self;  for most of my time I self-censor what I say or the way I present myself in a curated manner.

A large part of that has to do with my work with a number of people with big egos or who are otherwise demanding or difficult for whom I am very diplomatic (as in never give my raw opinion) in order to smooth things over. Suppressing negative opinions or unorthodox ideas in order to appear more amenable or congenial is a daily occurrence at work.

My self-censorship affects my activities on social media as well, since I worry about private comments coming back to haunt me at some later time (especially professionally) or about colleagues or students seeing pictures or posts (I've been contacted through Facebook by prospective and current students!). Plus my mom has already demanded I change a Facebook post with a joke about my dad, which makes me very reticent to share thoughts that are spontaneous or not positive or neutral. In my quest to be a socially gracious person, I regularly refrain from speaking my mind in a situation where I find someone particularly odd, boresome, obnoxious, or feeble minded (in the old fashioned sense of 'lacking firmness of mind; indecisive').

I guess I mostly try to avoid conflict in favor of harmonious social situations (not necessarily a bad tactic).

But several months ago I was listening to the episode Born to Lie of Ideas on CBC and I was struck by the comments of Laura Turley, who adopted the Radical Honesty philosophy:

"I think I started to realize that a lot of the anxiety that I'd been feeling was wrapped up in the idea that I was going to be exposed, or there would be some part of me revealed to be not the way I wanted to present myself. I was unhappy with the stuff that was under the surface, and for a really long time I'd been covering it up and representing myself quite in-authentically."

I don't necessarily worry about being exposed (although I would not like to run into a student in a bar or right after dance class), but I can identify with the anxiety of representing myself in-authentically. I'm often frustrated that the "real" me can't get out.

Laura Turley goes on to adopt the Radical Honesty philosophy, which means always speaking her mind and the end of white lies.

Here's a quote from a TedX conference by the founder of Radical Honesty to summarize it: "What if you're just honest all the time, with everyone you met? And you weren't too worried about being tactful or diplomatic? You just said whatever you thought, like a kid, like a child. What do you think it would do to your relationships? What would be different if you were radically honest?"

Laura Turley admits that it's been particularly hard on her marriage and has meant the end of some friendships, but I don't think it's the solution I'm looking for, despite the allure of not worrying about being tactful or diplomatic.

So, first off, what would happen if I was completely honest as work? I would have a lot more arguments or clashes with colleagues or people I serve. I might have to tell my boss I don't think he manages staff very well. Things would be very tense very quickly with 3 colleagues I see regularly. And I would no longer be the congenial solution finder.

What would happen if I was more honest, open, and spontaneous on Facebook: I would most likely have blow-back from various friend's and family, including more requests from my mom to modify posts.

And speaking of my mother, there definitely would be more conflict with my parents, since it's currently hidden as much as possible under a neutral facade.

I've been trying to "avoid the drama", not realizing that that meant the drama just stayed on my side. Time to let the genie out of the bottle perhaps.