B and I went to a surprise 30th birthday party for a friend of his this weekend, and the party as well as some of the conversation topics, made me think of French-American differences.
First off, the party was pirate themed, and just about everyone except the grandmas came disguised (some more than others). Even the aunts and uncles were disguised. I can't imagine going to an American party where there is a theme and people over 40 participate. Besides a decorated sweater. All the French guests seemed game to wear goofy pirate costumes for the evening.
Second, the guest of honor arrived at 7pm, and the cocktail only started once he'd arrived. His wife had organized a whole series of pirate themed games with coins to win to try to win the treasure chest (think Monica in Friends planning a party), so we did the games from about 8:30 to 9:45. Around 10pm, we were invited to sit down, and tables started going to the buffet line. We ate till a bit past 11, then there was music and dancing. The cake was brought out about 12:30, and we left around 1:40 am. Most of the 70 or so guests had left by then, but there were at least 20 people still left at 1:40am. With a close friend that joined us we joked the entire evening that we were getting to old to stay up that late, but I have to say I love that French parties last so long. An aunt and uncle in San Diego often have BBQ's where guests are invited at 3pm, dinner is a 5pm, and things are getting cleared up at 8pm, with the very last guests leaving at 9pm. I explain to French friends that in the US staying after 9pm feels rude to most people; the hosts might be tired and might want to go to bed, so when in doubt go home so they can do what they want in their home. But what about spending lots of time with friends and family?
And last comment:
Our circle of friends being in the last 20's and early 30's, some couples have young kids (or babies). The birthday friend and his wife told us they're trying to get pregnant, but without any luck for the moment. Our friend then turned to me and asked if we had a "projet de grossesse". Our (only semi) joke response for the moment is "But we already have a baby: our cat Tartiflette!" I wasn't exactly surprised by this question or embarrassed, but some distant reflex seemed to say to me "If you'd never moved to France, this question would have shocked you." So I got thinking: would a direct kind of question like this be interpreted as too forward, too invasive by most Americans? Would the fact that it's asked by a friend our age and married make it okay since it would be a timely topic? Is it just that I was never in a position where someone would ask me this in the States? After the party I started thinking of which American friend I could ask, but almost all of my married American friends already have kids. So for my handful of blog readers: is a direct question about a couple's intention to get pregnant, albeit from a friend, inherently 'French', or a common question without taboos in the States as well?
3 comments:
I'm Scottish, not American so I can't compare to the US, but I've definitely been surprised often by how direct French friends are about asking me and my boyfriend when we're moving in together/getting married/having kids (and not necessarily in that order!). I think there's just more of an assumption here that that's what everybody wants, and that if you've been in a relationship for a certain amount of time (and not a very long one) that one or all of these things must be on the cards. I've learned to laugh it off, but I find the question about kids particularly intrusive - hard enough to answer if you don't want any, but what if you wanted them and couldn't have them? Are you supposed to announce that in the middle of a dinner party? I think British people would only ask these questions after some delicate fishing as to what the answer was likely to be, and then only with close friends.
Are you kidding? Complete strangers in the states will ask you if you're thinking about kids, when you'll have them and if you're already planning for them! I'm from the south and think this is much more typical for the south vs other areas of the US, but you better believe if you're over 21 and married - Everyone will ask you the baby question.
In the south, I don't think asking about kids is too uncommon. Or asking about getting married. It's seen as "cute cajoling," even if in reality it's totally obnoxious and infuriating. But I wouldn't be surprised if people in Texas asked me about when I was getting married, or having kids, etc.
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